‘I always like to look on the optimistic side of life, but i am realistic enough to know that life is a complex matter’ – Walt Disney

You know I usually have a preamble to these posts like some story or the other. Today’s a little different. Today’s post is based on what is now becoming an epidemic amongst our generation. The more people I speak to, the more I realise that every tom, dick, Harriett and charity have trust issues.

I am falling under the heavy load of this epidemic. It’s hard to go through the life experiences I’ve gone through and not have these trust issues. In my opinion it’d be foolhardy to do otherwise. I enter every situation be it work or love or what have you, preparing for battle with my bulletproof vest attached, my paranoia antennae permanently up, guns cocked and I am constantly on my guard. I do not give room for mistakes, I’m always over analysing, I am permanently second guessing what the next person is doing and I immediately leap at the signs of any discrepancies…

I am exhausted.

This convoluted path that i have chosen to tread through is leaving me looking like an insecure female who has no skeletons in her closet...not a good look.
It is hard work learning how to trust a person implicitly. It is exhausting to always be on your guard and not allowing people the room to make mistakes. It is unfair to not understand that to be human means we are not infallible. It is emotionally draining to always have no expectations, saying if I have no expectations then I can’t get disappointed.

BULLSHIT!

Regardless of whether or not you have expectations, once the subconscious expectations you have are not met, you will be disappointed!

What gets to me the most with this stance I have in life is, if the other party is a reflection of the way I am, I am immediately on the defensive! ‘Why can’t you trust me?’ ‘I haven’t given you any reason to feel otherwise’ ‘Believe me when I say I will always be there’? Why should he/she believe anything you say when you don’t believe anything he/she says? Why should they expect anything of you when they are constantly being met with a brick wall that is your head?

Trusting a person, believing in them is hard work. I’m not saying lower your guard completely because as we all know there are assholes walking around in the guise of being human beings. So heavens no! What I’m saying is: if you find that thing/person that makes you question whether your stance is worth the risk THEN and only THEN can you allow yourself the room to breathe and allow yourself the luxury of believing again...

Life and death are the black and white of our world. What we do between these two constitutes the plethora of colours that will hopefully make a gorgeous rainbow, one that may yet rise into the sky and make anyone who sees it say ‘he/she lived’

Le Festin De L'Amour

"Sharing food with another human being is an intimate act that should not be indulged in lightly." ~ M.F.K. Fisher

There's a scene in Sex and the City where one of columnist Carrie's male friends recounts how he met his current lover. It happens while he is doing his weekly shop at the neighbourhood local deli. Anyway, the deli lady gives him some goat’s triple layered matured cheese to sample with a butter wouldn’t melt in my mouth smile saying "This one's from France," she says, "It's made with triple cream." "Delicious," he says licking his lips. Two more samples later and the pair are indulging in a serious bit of tonsil tennis back at his place.

Food and sex share a very cozy relationship. In Laura Esquivel’s book”Like Water for Chocolate “, food becomes the vehicle through which deep emotions, many of them sexual, are released. Aphrodisiacs are commonly associated with food and drink with the premise that their consumption will increase sexual desire. Sometimes it is about the shape of the food: bananas, asparagus, and oysters. Sometimes it’s about taste: chocolate, cream, strawberries and caviar. The thing is the texture, smell and taste of an exotic dish can arouse our senses the same way we become aroused by a sexual partner.



What is this correlation between food, sex and love? There’s no getting away from it. Chocolate ads now come complete with a lover’s embrace and a half naked torso to boot. When you go out on your first date, chances are it’s in a well lit restaurant with a menu to die for and hopefully even if your date himself/herself sucks; the food ends up being your consolation prize. Some foreplay enthusiasts even recommend the incorporation of food into the going on of things e.g. the ever delectable strawberry soaked in milk chocolate teasing your lover’s taste buds, or the versatile can of double whipped cream and warm melted honey drizzled on your lover’s skin, or the clever can of chocolate paint complete with brush for you to paint your lover’s bits with from Ann summer’s! Hands up those who remember that scene where Samantha Jones from Sex and the City covered her lady bits in sushi and awaited her beloved complete with gold manolos and Lorraine Schwartz jewellery?

I’ve always said that the act of feeding your lover is one of the ultimate signs of love. The real link between sex and food is love. Personal confession time- I’ve done a 2 hour train journey to Dolston market from Birmingham to the lover’s home complete with an array of Nigerian foods and did not finish cooking till about 11pm and I’d do it again not for him of course but the act of cooking, sharing and eating food while being intimate is an integral part of the experience.

Seeking the Joshua to my Personal Jericho

I usually write posts with regards to things I encounter but this one’s a bit different. It embodies a personal situation I am in and I can’t seem to muddle though it and I’m hoping that as I set it lose in blogdom, the universe will send some clarity my way.

I’ve always been the sort of girl who lives life according to how I feel. I’ve never had to sit down and think things through, if I feel like a particular act is going to make me happy…against all odds chances are that I will take the proverbial ball and run with it through fields of gold and lollipops.

That being said because of this, I think I’ve always had things EXTRA difficult! Nothing I ever want comes easy to me, case in point when I went to law school. Lord but I studied my bum off! My notes were unparalleled to none! I made every conscientious effort to be fastidious with everything that concerned those exams and I failed! I mean I was a mess after I saw the fail (coulda sworn I saw an EPIC before that fail though) but I decided I’d do it again and this time I aced it. Moral of the story I always always have a brick wall ahead of me in everything I do but I always get it in the end *cue the applause*

The above is the same way I love. Once I am truly and honestly in love that is the end. No obstacle can deter me from getting what I want. Once he is in my line of sight and I feel true unequivocal and unconditional love for the man that is it I am his love slave and would willingly jump over the moon if he asked me too…
That being said, because of my past experiences I’ve had problems letting me be me and being overruled by my emotions. Being burned several times has taken its toll on my heart and like every woman over a certain age, I’ve learned to protect my heart and build up my walls. Now the problem I’m having with this is- How do I know when a man is good enough to earn me tearing said walls down? There is no cure for heartbreak save for the usual ‘you’ll be alright’ & ‘time heals all wounds.’ So how do I prevent myself from falling for the wrong man? What are the key pointers to look for when deciding when a man deserves the walls to come tumbling down? How do you know when he is worth the risk?

I find myself constantly on a quest to discover whether or not the next potential boo can be elevated to the position of ‘the boo’ and this quest leads me to kick into Pisces overdrive and over analyze everything…and I mean EVERYTHING.

Now that I’ve laid that foundation I’ve met a man who seems to check all the boxes and who I may or may not be crazy about (I will never tell) and for all intents and purposes the way I feel about him could potentially lead to one of those great love stories that leave people oohing and aahing once they hear the story…but how do I let myself get to the point where I allow myself to give in totally to this man…there are already obstacles in the way but the more time I spend with him the more I fall for him and that fills me completely with a dread that can only be compared to being in the same room with one clown…yes it is that deep.

When I am with him I am absolutely and beyond happy and on occasion the L word slips and If I were allowed to be me, I’d be shouting on the top of the hills but life won’t allow me be me. I see the obstacles he and I may face and I feel the strain they put on me but at the same time the idea of not having him in my life at this point isn’t even something I consider…

So what shall I do? Face the obstacles and believe that I will be victorious in the end, or shrivel away into my fort and continue hoping and dreaming?

Venutian Isn't That Foreign A Language!

I know I know I’ve been MIA for a minute. I apologize to those who take the time out to peruse my blog. I’ve been in a dark place to say the least. I have been job searching for the last 3 months and have come to naught and I don’t think I was wired to embrace bumhood quite fully. I honestly have started to lose my mind and morph into this unknown creature. That being said I am ever so grateful for the time out and what not. It allows me to introspect and get to know me much better. So there you have my reason for being MIA.

As you also know most of what I tweet/blog about is gotten from life experiences, and as I have shut myself from the outside world I haven’t really experienced much ‘life’ as it were. On this fateful day however I hung out with my girls. Now, where girls between the ages of ‘ho’ and ‘hum’ gather to have cocktails, the topics range through different spheres but it ALWAYS ends up about men! I truly blame sex and the city for this. The true female emancipation began with Carrie Bradshaw and her love affair with Mr. Big *side bar- hands up who was truly underwhelmed by his name being John Preston*

At some point during our ‘tete a tete,’ I leaned back and looked at my glorious friends, each and every one of us from different walks of life with different aspirations and goals but we all had one unifying theme. We are women. As anti-climatic as that sounds we at that small table could easily be used as an opinion poll to truly discover what women of a certain age want…and you know I did this. We complain on a daily basis about how men are the bane of our existence but most times when my guy friends complain about us women, the poor dears really and truly do not know what we want. So I dedicate this post to the lost men out there; consider this your beacon of light, your lighthouse even.

The things that resonated with most women are enumerated below and I dare say this post lays credence to them. Now this list is by no means exhaustive, I’ve just weeded through the many resources I have to bring forth those that I think are the most important:

WHAT WOMEN WANT

1. A Man- Please reserve your d’ohs and eye rolls for your pocket. A good host of men out there are pansies to say the least. I was having a conversation with one of my friends and she said to me she craves the days when our roles were not so warped and reversed. The days when the man was the sole bread winner, and bringer of the bacon, the woman was but a baby making factory and a caretaker of the home. *sidebar please note that I am not anti-feminist, I am anti men who use the feminist movement to justify their lack of cojones* whatever happened to those days? Men these days rationalize their lack of masculinity and we are expected to adjust and settle and go against our very nature and eventually have to ‘man up.’ Please learn how to be a man. Go back to wood shop and learn how to fix things in the house, be honest and trustworthy, don’t over sentimentalize everything, your emotions should only be shared when necessary,be kind, be loyal, take charge of your home, come back with well laid out plans and you will be followed. Why the heck do you think the women of the Stone Age allowed themselves to be dragged by the hair? The freaking man was man and she felt the need to trust him I would imagine.

2. A Certain Level of Spirituality from Said Man – God first above everything is how I hope we’ve all been raised. That being said the man that any woman would consider as her life partner has to be able to lead the family in prayers and all. The family that prays together stays together. Get closer to God and all good things shall be added unto you.

3. Stability - There is nothing sexier than a man who is able to take care of his woman. A woman is sitting jejely on her own with her Chanel bag and Gucci sunglasses and it’s not like you don’t know, you see these things and you still proceed to pursue her knowing fully well that you cannot accommodate her lifestyle and then you turn around and start bitching about her ‘materialistic ways.’ No one asked you to pursue her; you did so of your own accord. To now turn around and complain of the life she is accustomed to is not only preposterous; it is completely foolhardy of you. In your own way provide for your woman, take care of her, spoil her, be her proverbial knight in shining armor (all this is when necessary of course)

4. Sense of Humor from your friend the man - i need to begin this by saying there is no such thing as 'the friend zone.' you have to be your woman's friend. Many a man has conquered many a woman by their sheer ability to reduce her to a fit of giggles. Nothing in life is ever that serious save for a few instances. That being said please take the time out to extricate yourself from life once in a while to have a laugh and I promise you any woman will be putty in your hands.

5. Aspirations & Goals – a lot of men these days are suffering from ‘poor man’s mentality.’ Poor man’s mentality is when a man does not think he has the ability to be better than what he is; he believes he will always be in the same servitude/level of life till kingdom come. Upward mobility is an attractive trait in a man because it instills in others a sense of reassurance and hope that his ambition will lead him places. This in turn fills your woman with the need to have goals of her own. Have goals, and work towards these goals. It shows potential and honestly most women these days are realist; we know we’re not going to get that dark, broody multi millionaire (in pound sterling oh not naira) but what we do need is a man with a plan, then the multi millions will follow.

These 5 key points are what I garnered from my female collective. Above all be you and be honest. Keep these to heart, apply them with LONG-TERM GOALS in mind (using these points for a one-time thing is utterly abhorrent, imho), and you may find yourself with the answers to a question that has been asked since the time of the Greek philosophers. Why men act as though the answers themselves are in Greek is another question which will be answered another time.

Marriage: Mediocrity and Reliability Results In Aspirations towards Generational Emergency

I’m confused...and that doesn’t happen a lot. I just had a conversation with my 23 year old family friend. She’s 23 years old to reiterate...and she’s been in a relationship with a man for the last 3 years. She’s done nothing but complain about his tired ass the entire time, and he proposed to her and she was excited and this is me, why are you getting married to him if all you’ve done for the last 3 years is complain about his tired ass? She said to me and I quote ‘I may as well’ and dear readers I was beyond gobsmacked! She’s 23 AND she’s settling!!!!!

Now don’t get me wrong, I am so pro wedding it should be illegal... I have already planned my wedding as it were; I know it’s going to be an evening wedding at Landmark with 2 separate tents, a small one for the religious ceremony and a big one for the reception, I know I want action film by MI playing as I dance in (of which I would have consumed a shed load of champagne, those brides that dance in without any qualms deserve medals for bravado alone), I already know what colour combination my wedding is going to be (no I’m not sharing for all you thieves! I searched through several paint palettes to get this combo and I am not sharing)...I could go on and on trust me, so I am very PRO WEDDING. What I am against is the undue pressure being put on women by society to get married and SETTLE just because a GOOD man happens to come along...

I won’t lie I feel the need to be married, oh boy I feel am die. I came across this article by Tracy McMillan entitled ‘Why you’re not married.’ Naturally my Piscean curiosity was piqued and I opened the link expecting to have discovered the Holy Grail to all things marriage...boy, was I wrong! I felt it was complete hogwash! I will enumerate with bullet points each reason why I felt this was utter and complete bollocks.

Reasons she gave as to the lack of mans & why I think they’re hogwash

1. You’re a bitch- Basically, all single women are bitches and the reason men choose to not marry us single ladies is for the simple reason that we’re angry and yelling all the time. Err sorry to burst your bubble Ms McMillan but I am not an angry person in anyway shape or form. I am the complete opposite! I am one of the nicest people I know and refrain from getting angry because I do not want to have all those horrible lines that come from frowning (long term investing, imagine all the money I’ve saved on Botox?)

2. You’re Shallow- she summarised in this point that the only thing a woman should be looking for in a life partner is character, and if you’re still single then chances are that you are indeed shallow and your soul shall be damned to singlehood for all eternity...ok so I have a confession to make. I am somewhat shallow (shut up to my friends reading this). I honestly believe I have been conditioned to think this way by the evil forces that reside in Walt Disney! All the princes were tall, rich, handsome and gobsmitten by the very existence of their princesses. You cannot fault me for having had the same ideals as Disney. However I’ve come to realise that such thinking while it should form the basis of your attraction to a man should not be a requisite as to whether or not you’re going to be with him. Like Tracy McMillan says, ‘this is not the thinking of a wife.’

3. You’re a Slut – yes she damned your soul to hell for having casual relationships because as women, when we have awesome sexual experiences we release a bonding hormone called oxytocin that doesn’t allow us to tell the difference between Prince charming and Mr I come to shag alone....I totally agree with her. Now in my own experiences in order to enjoy sex, I have to have some sort of emotional affiliation with a man, even though he may be full of crap. So I’ve decided to follow the celibacy route as my lady parts cannot do all the thinking for me anymore...

4. You’re a Liar- this is basically us single women lying to ourselves about the level of commitment a man is willing to invest in a relationship. We believe we can change a man into the marrying kind if we just stick to it and give it all we’ve got. This is why so many women stay with guys for 3 years filled with complete unhappiness. I’m not of the school of thought. My happiness is all that matters to me these days and if any man is going to subtract from it, his ass shall be kicked to the curb like a bad habit

5. You’re Selfish – Ms McMillan (who has been married 3 times lest I forget) basically states that because I’m single I am therefore selfish...because I got to the salon and get my hair done and my mani/pedi on therefore I am not marriage material. Of course she’s right! *insert rolling eyes here*

6. You think you’re not good enough- you’re single because you do not think you’re good enough for any man. Any man that comes along has to complete you and not be an addition instead. I have no words for this point...I lack no confidence and have been told by my mother on several occasions that I am shameless.

After reading her article I felt even more confused. On one hand she’s giving out advice and on the other she’s slapping you with the same advice and insulting you with her foot. The Bible actually does not state any particular age where one is to begin the journey towards conjugal bliss. It does not state that if you’re not married by the age of (insert appropriate age here) you will melt like the wicked witch of the west. These age limits by which we live by have resulted in the rate of divorces skyrocketing and women under 30 can now add divorcee to their resume.

Now I don’t blame society, it is what it is; who I do blame are we, for subjecting to the norms of society and putting undue pressure on ourselves to conform. Marriage is not a trending topic we can just comment on and leave when we deem fit. It is one of the most age old institutions that must be entered into with caution, love, hope and a lot of prayers! Marriage is a forever commitment to love someone else UNCONDITIONALLY. That means when he annoys you, when he can’t be the man you married, you have to be his wife FOREVER. Settling for someone because you feel it’s time shouldn’t be a reason you get married.

So to all you women out there getting married to guys just because “you might as well,” really think about what you’re doing. What we’re seeing, in this country in particular, is an increase of young women who get married early and for all the wrong reasons, and this is going to bite us all on the ass in a few years’ time.

So don’t marry a guy because he’s managed to stick around for a while. You probably have furniture that’s been around for longer and, unless you have a really specific kind of fetish, you’re not going to make a commitment to it, no matter how comforting it is.

*sidebar- tracy's post http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tracy-mcmillan/why-youre-not-married_b_822088.html *

The Velocity of Love

I discovered recently that my fear of heights isn’t so much a fear of heights as more a fear of falling. The more I thought about it the more this new definition to my fear made sense. I’ve been to the top of the Empire State building and I was beyond exhilarated! I felt like Jack in Titanic when he stood at the tip of the ship and yelled “I’m king of the world” only I had 1250 feet below me and truth be told, my inner megalomaniac surfaced much to the surprise of my family. However when I thought about falling I was crippled with the most insane fear that can only be likened to being in the same room with a full suited clown (clowns are scary if you do not agree then you are one of them and are not human)

Based on this notion above I began to liken my fear of falling in love to my fear of falling. Falling is falling, is it not? When you’re falling from a tremendously high place what I would imagine would scare an individual is the possibility of his demise (God forbid I personify myself as the individual who falls to their demise and yes it shall be a he because some men are native fools). This falling can be likened to falling in love. I have a pessimistic view of love brought on by relationships that have failed to meet certain expectations and because of said experiences; I have likened my fear of falling to my fear of falling in love (there is method to my madness). The possibility that you may fall in love and that love will be unrequited or worse be heartbroken!!! The fear of heartbreak is the beginning of wisdom my fellow humans! It is as real as the air you and I breathe.

I remember the first time I ‘fell in love’: I was 18 and was basking in the euphoria of it all and Valentine’s Day was approaching. I had purchased all the necessary ingredients to make a very MEMORABLE Valentine’s NIGHT (to go into any more details would be character assassination) and he was supposed to come into my zones. This fateful night he called me as the clock struck 12 on Valentine’s Day and said and I quote, ‘I can’t do this with you anymore!’ needless to say dear readers, my heart shred into little itty bitty pieces. I stayed locked up in my room for a month and this was my itinerary for that month- wake up, cry, listen to Whitney Houston, cry some more, watch coyote ugly, cry some more and eat chocolates and sleep. The first week alone I did not shower or move....heartbreak at its finest.

Now I’m from the school of thought where before you can embrace your fear, you have to understand the root of said fears, and since that lovely episode I have an incomprehensible fear of falling in love because I fear I may not know what true love is. Based on this notion I had to ask myself what this crazy feeling everyone’s so quick to label as love is; How do you truly know what love is? How do you know when to say it? How do you know when a person is deserved of being your love? As I type this I’m listening to Whitesnake’s ‘is this love’ (*sidebar* I’m an 80s junkie, if there was ever a decade I could chose to reside in it would be the late 70/ early 80s) and the chorus goes like this ‘is this love that I’m feeling is this the love that I’ve been searching for is this love or am I dreaming’ Clearly I am not the only one that’s asked this age old question ‘what is love?’

With this question in mind I took to the streets (and by streets I mean the contacts on my blackberry) and I asked various friends what their different opinions of love were. I got various responses that I feel like brought me closer to the truth of what the true definition of love is. I asked Daks and she said ‘when you stop looking and when you know you can’t do any better’ (clearly SOMEONE’S in love), I asked Dipo and he said ‘you don’t define love you just feel it and know; you start to feel selflessness towards that person’, I asked Tolani and she said ‘Personally I think love is just sort of the stage you get to when you know you can’t live without someone....but you realise you don’t want to.’

Still I feel like our definitions of love are watered down versions of the real thing. Maybe what we see on TV is the true definition of love and because we’ve become jaded, and cynical we cannot even begin to fathom to embrace that definition because to be loved that way or to even love that way is beyond scary to me. To love with that much intensity as portrayed by movies and songs surely is way above and beyond the realms of our human minds. If we are indeed made in God’s image and we are supposed to be a reflection of him on earth then surely we can love the way he lovesunconditionally, no ifs, whens or buts just a complete and unadulterated love that enables him to forgive and embrace us regardless of what we do...

The best definition I came across this morning was given to me by one of my best friends Boyes...when I asked her she rolled her eyes to the heavens and I imagined she gave me a look that smacked of ‘here we go again’ that being said when she did indeed get off her high horse she pointed me in the direction of I Corinthians 13 and it goes like this ‘If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. Love never fails.’

I hope dear readers that this in some way steers you in the right direction. If you choose to indeed become emotionally affiliated with an individual and you find yourself leaning towards the L word, let it be this kind of love that you are searching for because no other kind is worth risking the sound of your heart breaking at the speed of sound.

As the good book says out of faith, hope and love the greatest of these is love

~Love&Light~

My First Post (again)

So this is my forage into blogdom...amazingly i have a problem with computers, laptops and all technology that is supposed to be ventured towards the advancement of mankind...i think secretly there's a conspiracy theorist somewhere weaving all sorts of ways to ensure that i do not advance technologically...but i pray against such evil mfm style...

i really do not know what I'm going to blog about, like my bio states, random musings from a very random mind with random thoughts....there shall be no coherency to this blog because life is to short to have any sort of coherency when it comes to these things,,,it's a blog and like twitter shall not be taken seriously *this is a disclaimer notice*

so here's to you who may be reading and ofcourse to me your writer as we venture forth into blogdom and all things cyberspace...

*Love&Light*