I usually write posts with regards to things I encounter but this one’s a bit different. It embodies a personal situation I am in and I can’t seem to muddle though it and I’m hoping that as I set it lose in blogdom, the universe will send some clarity my way.
I’ve always been the sort of girl who lives life according to how I feel. I’ve never had to sit down and think things through, if I feel like a particular act is going to make me happy…against all odds chances are that I will take the proverbial ball and run with it through fields of gold and lollipops.
That being said because of this, I think I’ve always had things EXTRA difficult! Nothing I ever want comes easy to me, case in point when I went to law school. Lord but I studied my bum off! My notes were unparalleled to none! I made every conscientious effort to be fastidious with everything that concerned those exams and I failed! I mean I was a mess after I saw the fail (coulda sworn I saw an EPIC before that fail though) but I decided I’d do it again and this time I aced it. Moral of the story I always always have a brick wall ahead of me in everything I do but I always get it in the end *cue the applause*
The above is the same way I love. Once I am truly and honestly in love that is the end. No obstacle can deter me from getting what I want. Once he is in my line of sight and I feel true unequivocal and unconditional love for the man that is it I am his love slave and would willingly jump over the moon if he asked me too…
That being said, because of my past experiences I’ve had problems letting me be me and being overruled by my emotions. Being burned several times has taken its toll on my heart and like every woman over a certain age, I’ve learned to protect my heart and build up my walls. Now the problem I’m having with this is- How do I know when a man is good enough to earn me tearing said walls down? There is no cure for heartbreak save for the usual ‘you’ll be alright’ & ‘time heals all wounds.’ So how do I prevent myself from falling for the wrong man? What are the key pointers to look for when deciding when a man deserves the walls to come tumbling down? How do you know when he is worth the risk?
I find myself constantly on a quest to discover whether or not the next potential boo can be elevated to the position of ‘the boo’ and this quest leads me to kick into Pisces overdrive and over analyze everything…and I mean EVERYTHING.
Now that I’ve laid that foundation I’ve met a man who seems to check all the boxes and who I may or may not be crazy about (I will never tell) and for all intents and purposes the way I feel about him could potentially lead to one of those great love stories that leave people oohing and aahing once they hear the story…but how do I let myself get to the point where I allow myself to give in totally to this man…there are already obstacles in the way but the more time I spend with him the more I fall for him and that fills me completely with a dread that can only be compared to being in the same room with one clown…yes it is that deep.
When I am with him I am absolutely and beyond happy and on occasion the L word slips and If I were allowed to be me, I’d be shouting on the top of the hills but life won’t allow me be me. I see the obstacles he and I may face and I feel the strain they put on me but at the same time the idea of not having him in my life at this point isn’t even something I consider…
So what shall I do? Face the obstacles and believe that I will be victorious in the end, or shrivel away into my fort and continue hoping and dreaming?
