Marriage: Mediocrity and Reliability Results In Aspirations towards Generational Emergency

I’m confused...and that doesn’t happen a lot. I just had a conversation with my 23 year old family friend. She’s 23 years old to reiterate...and she’s been in a relationship with a man for the last 3 years. She’s done nothing but complain about his tired ass the entire time, and he proposed to her and she was excited and this is me, why are you getting married to him if all you’ve done for the last 3 years is complain about his tired ass? She said to me and I quote ‘I may as well’ and dear readers I was beyond gobsmacked! She’s 23 AND she’s settling!!!!!

Now don’t get me wrong, I am so pro wedding it should be illegal... I have already planned my wedding as it were; I know it’s going to be an evening wedding at Landmark with 2 separate tents, a small one for the religious ceremony and a big one for the reception, I know I want action film by MI playing as I dance in (of which I would have consumed a shed load of champagne, those brides that dance in without any qualms deserve medals for bravado alone), I already know what colour combination my wedding is going to be (no I’m not sharing for all you thieves! I searched through several paint palettes to get this combo and I am not sharing)...I could go on and on trust me, so I am very PRO WEDDING. What I am against is the undue pressure being put on women by society to get married and SETTLE just because a GOOD man happens to come along...

I won’t lie I feel the need to be married, oh boy I feel am die. I came across this article by Tracy McMillan entitled ‘Why you’re not married.’ Naturally my Piscean curiosity was piqued and I opened the link expecting to have discovered the Holy Grail to all things marriage...boy, was I wrong! I felt it was complete hogwash! I will enumerate with bullet points each reason why I felt this was utter and complete bollocks.

Reasons she gave as to the lack of mans & why I think they’re hogwash

1. You’re a bitch- Basically, all single women are bitches and the reason men choose to not marry us single ladies is for the simple reason that we’re angry and yelling all the time. Err sorry to burst your bubble Ms McMillan but I am not an angry person in anyway shape or form. I am the complete opposite! I am one of the nicest people I know and refrain from getting angry because I do not want to have all those horrible lines that come from frowning (long term investing, imagine all the money I’ve saved on Botox?)

2. You’re Shallow- she summarised in this point that the only thing a woman should be looking for in a life partner is character, and if you’re still single then chances are that you are indeed shallow and your soul shall be damned to singlehood for all eternity...ok so I have a confession to make. I am somewhat shallow (shut up to my friends reading this). I honestly believe I have been conditioned to think this way by the evil forces that reside in Walt Disney! All the princes were tall, rich, handsome and gobsmitten by the very existence of their princesses. You cannot fault me for having had the same ideals as Disney. However I’ve come to realise that such thinking while it should form the basis of your attraction to a man should not be a requisite as to whether or not you’re going to be with him. Like Tracy McMillan says, ‘this is not the thinking of a wife.’

3. You’re a Slut – yes she damned your soul to hell for having casual relationships because as women, when we have awesome sexual experiences we release a bonding hormone called oxytocin that doesn’t allow us to tell the difference between Prince charming and Mr I come to shag alone....I totally agree with her. Now in my own experiences in order to enjoy sex, I have to have some sort of emotional affiliation with a man, even though he may be full of crap. So I’ve decided to follow the celibacy route as my lady parts cannot do all the thinking for me anymore...

4. You’re a Liar- this is basically us single women lying to ourselves about the level of commitment a man is willing to invest in a relationship. We believe we can change a man into the marrying kind if we just stick to it and give it all we’ve got. This is why so many women stay with guys for 3 years filled with complete unhappiness. I’m not of the school of thought. My happiness is all that matters to me these days and if any man is going to subtract from it, his ass shall be kicked to the curb like a bad habit

5. You’re Selfish – Ms McMillan (who has been married 3 times lest I forget) basically states that because I’m single I am therefore selfish...because I got to the salon and get my hair done and my mani/pedi on therefore I am not marriage material. Of course she’s right! *insert rolling eyes here*

6. You think you’re not good enough- you’re single because you do not think you’re good enough for any man. Any man that comes along has to complete you and not be an addition instead. I have no words for this point...I lack no confidence and have been told by my mother on several occasions that I am shameless.

After reading her article I felt even more confused. On one hand she’s giving out advice and on the other she’s slapping you with the same advice and insulting you with her foot. The Bible actually does not state any particular age where one is to begin the journey towards conjugal bliss. It does not state that if you’re not married by the age of (insert appropriate age here) you will melt like the wicked witch of the west. These age limits by which we live by have resulted in the rate of divorces skyrocketing and women under 30 can now add divorcee to their resume.

Now I don’t blame society, it is what it is; who I do blame are we, for subjecting to the norms of society and putting undue pressure on ourselves to conform. Marriage is not a trending topic we can just comment on and leave when we deem fit. It is one of the most age old institutions that must be entered into with caution, love, hope and a lot of prayers! Marriage is a forever commitment to love someone else UNCONDITIONALLY. That means when he annoys you, when he can’t be the man you married, you have to be his wife FOREVER. Settling for someone because you feel it’s time shouldn’t be a reason you get married.

So to all you women out there getting married to guys just because “you might as well,” really think about what you’re doing. What we’re seeing, in this country in particular, is an increase of young women who get married early and for all the wrong reasons, and this is going to bite us all on the ass in a few years’ time.

So don’t marry a guy because he’s managed to stick around for a while. You probably have furniture that’s been around for longer and, unless you have a really specific kind of fetish, you’re not going to make a commitment to it, no matter how comforting it is.

*sidebar- tracy's post http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tracy-mcmillan/why-youre-not-married_b_822088.html *

The Velocity of Love

I discovered recently that my fear of heights isn’t so much a fear of heights as more a fear of falling. The more I thought about it the more this new definition to my fear made sense. I’ve been to the top of the Empire State building and I was beyond exhilarated! I felt like Jack in Titanic when he stood at the tip of the ship and yelled “I’m king of the world” only I had 1250 feet below me and truth be told, my inner megalomaniac surfaced much to the surprise of my family. However when I thought about falling I was crippled with the most insane fear that can only be likened to being in the same room with a full suited clown (clowns are scary if you do not agree then you are one of them and are not human)

Based on this notion above I began to liken my fear of falling in love to my fear of falling. Falling is falling, is it not? When you’re falling from a tremendously high place what I would imagine would scare an individual is the possibility of his demise (God forbid I personify myself as the individual who falls to their demise and yes it shall be a he because some men are native fools). This falling can be likened to falling in love. I have a pessimistic view of love brought on by relationships that have failed to meet certain expectations and because of said experiences; I have likened my fear of falling to my fear of falling in love (there is method to my madness). The possibility that you may fall in love and that love will be unrequited or worse be heartbroken!!! The fear of heartbreak is the beginning of wisdom my fellow humans! It is as real as the air you and I breathe.

I remember the first time I ‘fell in love’: I was 18 and was basking in the euphoria of it all and Valentine’s Day was approaching. I had purchased all the necessary ingredients to make a very MEMORABLE Valentine’s NIGHT (to go into any more details would be character assassination) and he was supposed to come into my zones. This fateful night he called me as the clock struck 12 on Valentine’s Day and said and I quote, ‘I can’t do this with you anymore!’ needless to say dear readers, my heart shred into little itty bitty pieces. I stayed locked up in my room for a month and this was my itinerary for that month- wake up, cry, listen to Whitney Houston, cry some more, watch coyote ugly, cry some more and eat chocolates and sleep. The first week alone I did not shower or move....heartbreak at its finest.

Now I’m from the school of thought where before you can embrace your fear, you have to understand the root of said fears, and since that lovely episode I have an incomprehensible fear of falling in love because I fear I may not know what true love is. Based on this notion I had to ask myself what this crazy feeling everyone’s so quick to label as love is; How do you truly know what love is? How do you know when to say it? How do you know when a person is deserved of being your love? As I type this I’m listening to Whitesnake’s ‘is this love’ (*sidebar* I’m an 80s junkie, if there was ever a decade I could chose to reside in it would be the late 70/ early 80s) and the chorus goes like this ‘is this love that I’m feeling is this the love that I’ve been searching for is this love or am I dreaming’ Clearly I am not the only one that’s asked this age old question ‘what is love?’

With this question in mind I took to the streets (and by streets I mean the contacts on my blackberry) and I asked various friends what their different opinions of love were. I got various responses that I feel like brought me closer to the truth of what the true definition of love is. I asked Daks and she said ‘when you stop looking and when you know you can’t do any better’ (clearly SOMEONE’S in love), I asked Dipo and he said ‘you don’t define love you just feel it and know; you start to feel selflessness towards that person’, I asked Tolani and she said ‘Personally I think love is just sort of the stage you get to when you know you can’t live without someone....but you realise you don’t want to.’

Still I feel like our definitions of love are watered down versions of the real thing. Maybe what we see on TV is the true definition of love and because we’ve become jaded, and cynical we cannot even begin to fathom to embrace that definition because to be loved that way or to even love that way is beyond scary to me. To love with that much intensity as portrayed by movies and songs surely is way above and beyond the realms of our human minds. If we are indeed made in God’s image and we are supposed to be a reflection of him on earth then surely we can love the way he lovesunconditionally, no ifs, whens or buts just a complete and unadulterated love that enables him to forgive and embrace us regardless of what we do...

The best definition I came across this morning was given to me by one of my best friends Boyes...when I asked her she rolled her eyes to the heavens and I imagined she gave me a look that smacked of ‘here we go again’ that being said when she did indeed get off her high horse she pointed me in the direction of I Corinthians 13 and it goes like this ‘If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. Love never fails.’

I hope dear readers that this in some way steers you in the right direction. If you choose to indeed become emotionally affiliated with an individual and you find yourself leaning towards the L word, let it be this kind of love that you are searching for because no other kind is worth risking the sound of your heart breaking at the speed of sound.

As the good book says out of faith, hope and love the greatest of these is love

~Love&Light~

My First Post (again)

So this is my forage into blogdom...amazingly i have a problem with computers, laptops and all technology that is supposed to be ventured towards the advancement of mankind...i think secretly there's a conspiracy theorist somewhere weaving all sorts of ways to ensure that i do not advance technologically...but i pray against such evil mfm style...

i really do not know what I'm going to blog about, like my bio states, random musings from a very random mind with random thoughts....there shall be no coherency to this blog because life is to short to have any sort of coherency when it comes to these things,,,it's a blog and like twitter shall not be taken seriously *this is a disclaimer notice*

so here's to you who may be reading and ofcourse to me your writer as we venture forth into blogdom and all things cyberspace...

*Love&Light*