The Velocity of Love

I discovered recently that my fear of heights isn’t so much a fear of heights as more a fear of falling. The more I thought about it the more this new definition to my fear made sense. I’ve been to the top of the Empire State building and I was beyond exhilarated! I felt like Jack in Titanic when he stood at the tip of the ship and yelled “I’m king of the world” only I had 1250 feet below me and truth be told, my inner megalomaniac surfaced much to the surprise of my family. However when I thought about falling I was crippled with the most insane fear that can only be likened to being in the same room with a full suited clown (clowns are scary if you do not agree then you are one of them and are not human)

Based on this notion above I began to liken my fear of falling in love to my fear of falling. Falling is falling, is it not? When you’re falling from a tremendously high place what I would imagine would scare an individual is the possibility of his demise (God forbid I personify myself as the individual who falls to their demise and yes it shall be a he because some men are native fools). This falling can be likened to falling in love. I have a pessimistic view of love brought on by relationships that have failed to meet certain expectations and because of said experiences; I have likened my fear of falling to my fear of falling in love (there is method to my madness). The possibility that you may fall in love and that love will be unrequited or worse be heartbroken!!! The fear of heartbreak is the beginning of wisdom my fellow humans! It is as real as the air you and I breathe.

I remember the first time I ‘fell in love’: I was 18 and was basking in the euphoria of it all and Valentine’s Day was approaching. I had purchased all the necessary ingredients to make a very MEMORABLE Valentine’s NIGHT (to go into any more details would be character assassination) and he was supposed to come into my zones. This fateful night he called me as the clock struck 12 on Valentine’s Day and said and I quote, ‘I can’t do this with you anymore!’ needless to say dear readers, my heart shred into little itty bitty pieces. I stayed locked up in my room for a month and this was my itinerary for that month- wake up, cry, listen to Whitney Houston, cry some more, watch coyote ugly, cry some more and eat chocolates and sleep. The first week alone I did not shower or move....heartbreak at its finest.

Now I’m from the school of thought where before you can embrace your fear, you have to understand the root of said fears, and since that lovely episode I have an incomprehensible fear of falling in love because I fear I may not know what true love is. Based on this notion I had to ask myself what this crazy feeling everyone’s so quick to label as love is; How do you truly know what love is? How do you know when to say it? How do you know when a person is deserved of being your love? As I type this I’m listening to Whitesnake’s ‘is this love’ (*sidebar* I’m an 80s junkie, if there was ever a decade I could chose to reside in it would be the late 70/ early 80s) and the chorus goes like this ‘is this love that I’m feeling is this the love that I’ve been searching for is this love or am I dreaming’ Clearly I am not the only one that’s asked this age old question ‘what is love?’

With this question in mind I took to the streets (and by streets I mean the contacts on my blackberry) and I asked various friends what their different opinions of love were. I got various responses that I feel like brought me closer to the truth of what the true definition of love is. I asked Daks and she said ‘when you stop looking and when you know you can’t do any better’ (clearly SOMEONE’S in love), I asked Dipo and he said ‘you don’t define love you just feel it and know; you start to feel selflessness towards that person’, I asked Tolani and she said ‘Personally I think love is just sort of the stage you get to when you know you can’t live without someone....but you realise you don’t want to.’

Still I feel like our definitions of love are watered down versions of the real thing. Maybe what we see on TV is the true definition of love and because we’ve become jaded, and cynical we cannot even begin to fathom to embrace that definition because to be loved that way or to even love that way is beyond scary to me. To love with that much intensity as portrayed by movies and songs surely is way above and beyond the realms of our human minds. If we are indeed made in God’s image and we are supposed to be a reflection of him on earth then surely we can love the way he lovesunconditionally, no ifs, whens or buts just a complete and unadulterated love that enables him to forgive and embrace us regardless of what we do...

The best definition I came across this morning was given to me by one of my best friends Boyes...when I asked her she rolled her eyes to the heavens and I imagined she gave me a look that smacked of ‘here we go again’ that being said when she did indeed get off her high horse she pointed me in the direction of I Corinthians 13 and it goes like this ‘If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. Love never fails.’

I hope dear readers that this in some way steers you in the right direction. If you choose to indeed become emotionally affiliated with an individual and you find yourself leaning towards the L word, let it be this kind of love that you are searching for because no other kind is worth risking the sound of your heart breaking at the speed of sound.

As the good book says out of faith, hope and love the greatest of these is love

~Love&Light~